Gut spill

I think I want to move to the lower hudson valley

terribly depressed today. I want to go away for a few days.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

What does next year have in store for me?
"Sugar High" - Coyote Shivers..

How would I describe my life at the moment?
"Right Through You" - Alanis Morissett


What's my love life like?
"Roads" - Portishead

What are your feelings about your current fling?
haha yes... "Besos de Fuego" Ricki Martin... !muy interesante!

What do I say when life gets hard?
"Some Unholy War" - Amy Winehouse

What do you think of when waking up?
"With a Little Help From My Friends" - Jim Sturges and Joe Anderson.

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
"Play the Game" - Queen.
thats really not bad!

What song will be played at my funeral?
"You Lied" - Tool
hrrrmmm...

How will I be remembered?
"Around the Fur" - Deftones

What do you want as a career?
"46 & 2" - Tool

Your favorite saying?
"Breath" - Depeche Mode... about right.

Favorite place?
"Ghetto Gosple"- 2 Pac and Elton John

What do your parents think of you?
"Fix Me Now" - Garbage

What's your Pornstar name?
no shitting, "Date Rape
by Sublime just came on.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Where would you go on a first date?
"She's only 18" - RHCP oooo yeah giggity giggity.

drug of choice:
"The Hand that Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails

Describe yourself:
"Endless Highway" - Bob Dylan


How would others describe you?
"Crutch" -Matchbox 20

How does your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend see you?
"El Mark" - Glassjaw
Driving me crazy
"You're driving me, you're driving me
You're driving me crazy,
Your driving me insane
With you, would it be you?"
fitting...

What is the thing I like doing most?
"Comfortably Numb" -Pink Floyd

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
"Cherry Wave" -Deftones

Performance in the bedroom?
"Perfect" - Alanis Morissett
hahaha excellent.

If I were a song, what would I be?
"Let it Be" - Beatles

I feel like I don't know who I am any more. I can't figure out why I am five seconds away from a panic attack today. Maybe that's what happens when you are burnt out from juggling 2 jobs and trying to maintain some sort of social life, while having a boyfriend who is overseas that you are trying to stay utterly and completely faithful. Maybe its just growing up.

I need some me time.

I need sometime to sit around and be painfully bored and watch TV and movies, and read books and think about things. Think about myself.

I haven't even been smoking weed because I don't have time to be burnt out. I just have to go go go. I think a joint would calm me right now, but I don't feel like seeing anyone to pick up right now.

I don't feel fun anymore. i don't feel like me. i think things will be much better once I'm done with the Marriott. I hope. I hope I hope. I hate complaining, but that's all I've got lately.

I should write more.

This life thing is not easy; not at all. Graduating college blows. It really does.

I have a BA in English and Teacher certification. I have a full-time job. I have a part-time job. I have a boyfriend whom I love and who loves me. I'm going to Graduate school in the fall. I have great friends and great family... but none of the pieces of my puzzle seem to fit.

I didn't love the job at the Marriott, so in an attempt to be proactive, I went and got my job back at Lindencrest. So now I have two jobs and no days off. I am working at the Marriott til the end of the month. Then hopefully I will be able to enjoy my summer for a bit. I went on an interview for a substitute teach position at the Copiague Middle School, that I am really crossing my fingers for.

Everything is so temporary and that's alright with me. I am so all over the place. I just don't know if I made the right choice about grad schools. I am going to Hunter in the fall. Should I have decided to go to Texas? Hunter is a tier 1 school and UTSA is a tier 4 school... does that even make a difference I don't know.

My plan as of right now is to take classes at Hunter in the fall work whatever...
I am going to apply for:
Teach for America
ESL certification program
MFA in creative writing

I think either of those choices would be really great and rewarding.

Vik called 3 times today while I was at work at the diner and I missed all of them. He's in Afghanistan and I know he is really bummed so I feel like shit for not picking up. I miss him so much.

About a month and a half till graduation. In many ways I can't wait. Not because I want my Stony Brook experience to end, but because I want student teaching to end! I don't think I am going to hate teaching, I just hate the fact that it is someone else's class room. I hate that I have no money. I hate pretending to be a professional. I am not ready.

Canada was awesome. I love my friends. I love traveling. I don't love casinos tho (i have an addictive personality and I get the itch to gamble)

Vik is in Afghanistan which sucks. I miss him. It is depressing and I don't really want to talk about it, but i don't want to not talk about it.

Tomorrow I am sending out my resume to schools (even though that isn't what I want to do for next year, I have to keep my options open.) Also I am considering applying to a D.A. Program at St. Johns... Doctor of Arts. The only problem is it is a doctorate, but it is a lesser degree than a PHd, so people with D.A.s constantly have to defind there degrees.

I want to write... I want to take a creative writing class this summer. but where?

I feel really fat and ugly.

It's been a while.... Student teaching is in full swing. I've been there for about 2 months or so. I don't even know anymore. Student teaching is such an interesting experience. I am really happy to be doing it. There are definitely good days and bad days.... not necessarily because of the students. I love the students they are crazy and wonderful and cool. The good and bad days are usually based on my preparedness, my sleep or lack there of, my colleagues... ect. All things considered I am enjoying this experience. Do I want a job teaching next year? I don't know, I'm not sure. It wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I am sending out applications for teaching jobs in the fall. I have also applied to graduate schools. So far, I've been accepted to UTSA and that is exciting :) I am waiting to hear from Hunter. They are certainly keeping me on my toes. Its really between UTSA and Hunter at this point, they both have there ups and downs. I'm really just not ready to start my career. I have my whole life to work. I want to continue to dick around an be a student, is that really so absurd??

I can't wait for graduation and summer and to have my life back. This summer, I want to work and make some money of course; I also want to hit up some music festivals, take a creative writing class, and hit the beach!

I had big dreams this weekend, I hoped to be practically done with my work sample for my student teaching seminar, but obviously they didn't happen, so I am setting a more realistic goal. Today I would like to finish the Learning Goals section of my work sample, formally write up one more of the lesson plans that I am including in my work sample, and finish the assignment for next week's seminar...unfortunately, there are a million other things I would like to do, but there are not enough hours in the day.

I missed LJ, I will have to write again, real soon.
adios.

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, thoughts, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1. A few semesters ago, when working on a group project, my group member told me that I had an "abrasive personality." I took it as a compliment, because it is better than having no personality.

2. I a loud, tone-deaf, and love to sing!

3. I say "fuck" a lot when I'm nervous.

4. When I was younger, I thought I'd grow up to be happy and well adjusted. I'm not.

5. I haven't smoked weed in a few weeks and the clarity is amazing. but I think clarity is overrated.

6. I love my boyfriend. I think that we have a really good relationship. dysfunctional in all the right ways.

7. I am totally over stony brook and ready to graduate, but I am excited for graduate school...I think.

8. When things get bad, my first instinct is to just go someplace far far away, but things have never gotten thaaat bad.

9. I am student teaching, but I don't think I really want to be a teacher. I enjoy it and from what I can tell I am good at it butttttttttt somewhere along the line, I have become jaded and I'm not sure it will be as fulfilling as I thought. atleast I will graduate with some sort of certification.

10. I think that I'd really like to teach writing at a community college, but I'm not sure if that would pay the bills.

11. I Plan to get a PHD. Katie Capone put it best... if I ever am just a big fuck up, at least I'lL have a PHD.

12. 12 is my favorite number.

13. I watch Good Will Hunting and Forrest Gump, whenever they're on TV. Forrest Gump is an excellent movie, Good Will Hunting not so much.

14. When I like a song, I listen to it over and over until I want to throw up.

15. I don't think I am a good looking person, but I am really OK with who I am, both inside and out.

16. I am usually myself around people, because if people can't like me for who I am... they can eat me.

17. My best memories are from my grandma's house.

18. I am really fucking proud that I will be graduating in May. Like really proud. I didn't think I'd make it this far and I'm not really sure why.

19. I love life, I wish there were more hours in the day.

20. That being said, I also enjoy the pleasure that smoking cigarettes brings me, so I do it despite the health risks.

21. I am never ever ev-er on time.

22. I was a vegetarian for 6 years, give or take. I still don't really eat a lot of meat, but I love sushi :)

23. I want to write a book one day.

24. I used to swim competitively for many many years. I was pretty good. I'm still OK. I wish I never stopped.

25. Tonight, I plan to watch the next 5 episodes of entourage and a few more of the OC. I'm a dork.

if i was a fish
i would like to
live in the ocean
that is your mind.
fluttering fins
sparkling--illuminated
by the light that is
your thoughts.

What Would You Do?

The show is on Tuesday at 10 on ABC, you know, after Scrubs. It's a hidden camera show. The concept of the show is that they stage some horrific event and catch unsuspecting people's reactions. Well, it is giving me major anxiety. A month or two ago, they were filming in Port Jeff, directly across the street from Tequila Jacks (where I work, formerly the Elk Street Grille) and in front of the gap on some park benches that were usually home to the local degenerates. The scenario that they had staged was fraternity and sororities members wearing their letters hazing pledges, doing some really terrible things, making the pledges funnel straight liquor, wear diapers, and they even had some dude tied to the street light with plastic wrap. As a college student with a boyfriend in a Fraternity, I knew this had to be staged because I know that frats and sororities are very secretive about their hazing, they would never ever, ev-er, do it early sunday morning, out in the quaint little town of Port Jeff, wearing their letters. That, and the fact that the acting was not awesome, I figured it was probably some frat or sorority sponsored event acknowledging the dangers of hazing. So this is where my anxiety comes in. Because I obviously stood by the huge windows and watched the entire thing two or three times and if some dumb ass camera man noticed this, I would be seen on national TV as some heartless onlooker. I don't think you need to sign a release form to be an onlooker. I doubt I will actually be on the show, but the whole thing is very big brother-esque. I mean the whole time they were there, I didn't see a single camera man until they came running out of... where ever to tell some good samaritan that they were actually part of a fucking reality TV show. I will say that some of the reactions were insane, one guy actually held the funnel while a "brother" poured liquor into a pledges throat... but I get it... some people are duesh bags and some are not. Is this show really articulating something... anything... relavant about human nature?

And now for shows that don't suck and are awesome:
The Daily Show.
I was lucky enough to go to a taping last monday. That show is just so funny and an John Stewart is just so delicious. But unfortunately, it's really sad that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, two comedy shows, offer the most relavent and thought provoking look at the news.

John Stewart on Crossfire:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFQFB5YpDZE

I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Also does anyone else remember that show What Would You Do on Nickelodeon?

I rang in the New Year at work, then went out to a few bars in the stony brook/ port jeff area. It was alright, nothing special. I just did some practice questions for the GRE, I am definitely not looking forward to taking that, but it is something I certainly have to do in the near future. This break is so far, so good. I am happy that the xmas - new year week is over. I am not a scruge or anything but that week sort of drives me nuts ever year. This break I am going to Texas to visit my babycakes. I am also thinking about going up to New Paltz to chill with Kristin and perhaps going to to DC to party it up for the inauguration... if anyone would like to hop aboard either of those plans, let me know.

I am probably going to continue the nerd fest by reading a bit and then hitting the hay, because there are a lot of things I'd like to get done tomorrow before work.

Also to my list of things I'd like to do this year, I am adding: finishing a trunk-bomb at cheap shots and getting my picture on the wall. I hope that my name isn't going on some sort of government list because I used the work truck-bomb in blog entry...

errrrr anyway.

so gas is cheap. I payed 17 bucks to fill up my tank yesterday, that was exciting, however i'm pretty sure that is a direct result of out economy doing shitty. How about the economy its really depressing I see reminders of how bad things are every day. the houses that wont sell, the stores going out of business. On my block I have one boarded up house and one that the family just abandoned for who knows how long while they live across the country in Arizona.
shit man...

Sometimes my crazy thoughts come out, but they're not really that crazy if you think about it. The idea of my name getting on some government list because of what I'm blogging about. thank you patriot act. People abandoning there house. what the fuck man what the fuck. I love this country but I am scared... I really am.

2008 wasn't too bad
Some highlights were:
-my very first trip to Europe (England and Scotland)
-turning 21
-Vivek's wedding.
-Kenwal day camp

Some things I hope to do in 2009.
-graduate.
-attend a music festival (specifically bonaroo, burning man, or cochella).
-go camping.
-take a creative writing class (or fine arts/video).
-finish writing a short story.
-lose at least 10 lbs.
-go sky diving.
-visit the brooklyn brewery.

Life.
life life. life.

What to say about this crazy life. It hasnt been too crazy lately. I feel good about my self. I wanted to lose 5 more lbs b4 my b-day. I am almost there. This weekend I will go shopping for some hotsy totsy outfit to wear out to the city. Also I am going to the Opera for my Theatre class next month, I would like to buy something sophisticated :)

I really like my job, I don't dread going there yet. I like the people I work with. A lot of people got fired the first day or the first week or never even got put on the schedule, I guess I was lucky. They like me... I think. I would be kind of devastated if I got fired, so I watch my back and make sure not to say anything stupid in front of the owner.

I am only taking 4 classes. It's as awesome as it sounds.

Thursday was my 3 year anniversary. Vikki was really on the ball and sent me a dozen roses of various colors and a box of chocolates, with a card that said "3 years and many more to come. i love you! - Vik." I was soo fucking excited <3 My gift to him was, I booked my plain tickets for Oct 3rd and sent him the confirmation, I also got him some gifts I will be giving him when I get down there. I cannot wait!

so I like def dont want to get to fucked up on my birthday, I dont want to be hovering over a nasty toilet in the Manhattan. yuck. 21. I feel old. damn. Time just flies doesnt it?

That is all I got for now, I am about to start a reaction paper for the cray post-modern play that we went to see for my theatre class that gave me like an anxiety attack. blah

ps. I miss leezle <3

interesting thoughts to reconsider later.

How much of the population do you think is on something.... like how much of the population are habitual drug or alcohol users. Meaning how much of the population goes through much of their lives fucked up? Is it a relatively low number, because I 'm not so sure about that...

I havent updated my live journal in a long time and if you cant tell i forgot how good it was to vent ur thoughts, as stupid as they may be.

I'm watching scarface, I forgot how much I love this movie.

I had a really good summer. I really enjoyed working at the summer camp. I learned how to make friendship bracelets, play tennis, and European handball. I did some really fun things and really enjoyed working with the kids. I didnn't make very much money, but I'm very happy that I did it.

I'm excited for school to start, for my classes to start, to go yoga classes, to get out of the house again, to purple couch, to become a little closer to graduating, and have a job that pays more than crap.

I have orientation at Tequilla Jack's on Sunday. I'm still between taking that job or the one at Marios. They both have there pros and cons.

I need to get back on track with weight watchers. I have been steadily losing weight this summer, but I also had a job that kept me very active, so now I certainly have to pay attention to what I am eating and make time to work out. blaaaaaaaaaah I want to lose 5 to 10 lbs before my birthday.

Rob is dead. Fuck man Rob is dead. I can't even believe this. I knew he was in a bad accident, and that he was in ICU, but I didn't even think it was a possibility that he would die.fuck fuck fuck. The last time I saw Rob, we left on weird bad, drunken terms. We liked each other off and on, you know just high school crushes and I definitely subjected him to some really juvenile, girly non-sense. but no matter what, I always knew he was a great guy and had so much love in my heart for him. I hope that he knew that or atleast knows it now. Words cant describe how i feel...

I like my job very much. too tired to type tho.

I want to know the intricacies of your life
and the fetishes that define you.

Kuwait

Fortress built near water.
a mass of land
located on the coast of the Persian Gulf--
Saudi Arabia to the south
and Iraq to the north and the west.

Black gold.
Oil fields, discovered and exploited in the '30s
Gains independence from the UK in '61.
the nation's oil industry saw unprecedented growth.

1990. A seven month-long Iraqi occupation.
came to an end.
A direct military intervention by US led forces.


Today
I send care packages
to Ali Al Salem Airforce Base. and I'm not sure why.
I am learning a lesson in separation, desperation; distance.
A lover half a world away.
There is a certain excitement in phone calls.
sadness and seduction in "hello."
I imagine his gun.
how it must feel
strong and cold in his hands.
I have never held a gun.

War, sex, love, death
Acts of consensual violence.
excitement, control
power
longing, with holding
teasing.

a waiting game.

Sick with worry and confusion I wonder how
we still tell the same lies,
"To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori."

DULCE ET DECORUM EST1

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares2 we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest3 began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots4
Of tired, outstripped5 Five-Nines6 that dropped behind.

Gas!7 Gas! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets8 just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime9 . . .
Dim, through the misty panes10 and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering,11 choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud12
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest13
To children ardent14 for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.15

8 October 1917 - March, 1918

1 DULCE ET DECORUM EST - the first words of a Latin saying (taken from an ode by Horace). The words were widely understood and often quoted at the start of the First World War. They mean "It is sweet and right." The full saying ends the poem: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori - it is sweet and right to die for your country. In other words, it is a wonderful and great honour to fight and die for your country

2 rockets which were sent up to burn with a brilliant glare to light up men and other targets in the area between the front lines (See illustration, page 118 of Out in the Dark.)

3 a camp away from the front line where exhausted soldiers might rest for a few days, or longer
4 the noise made by the shells rushing through the air
5 outpaced, the soldiers have struggled beyond the reach of these shells which are now falling behind them as they struggle away from the scene of battle

6 Five-Nines - 5.9 calibre explosive shells
7 poison gas. From the symptoms it would appear to be chlorine or phosgene gas. The filling of the lungs with fluid had the same effects as when a person drowned
8 the early name for gas masks
9 a white chalky substance which can burn live tissue
10 the glass in the eyepieces of the gas masks
11 Owen probably meant flickering out like a candle or gurgling like water draining down a gutter, referring to the sounds in the throat of the choking man, or it might be a sound partly like stuttering and partly like gurgling
12 normally the regurgitated grass that cows chew; here a similar looking material was issuing from the soldier's mouth
13 high zest - idealistic enthusiasm, keenly believing in the rightness of the idea
14 keen
15 see note 1